I recently had the privilege of spending some very close and intimate time with two people I not only admire, but to whom I owe my entire existence, my mother and father, who have been married for over 63 years and together for almost 65. People like them are a dying breed in this world as are the number of years most couples spend together, which is less than a quarter of the time my parents have been married. Sad! Unfortunately, I speak from personal experience.
What is the reason for this generations microwave mentality? That “shoot first, ask questions later” perspective that believes life is the Burger King slogan, “HAVE IT YOUR WAY”. If you don’t like it, just get a new one! How could we have such a shallow attitude towards something so sacred? Like racehorses we blow out of the gate, but sadly most won’t finish the race? Well, I think I may have hit pay dirt in regards to the answer to that question as I listened closely to my parents talk about life, love and their undying devotion to one another.
A year ago I introduced my parents to someone who means very much to me. As we sat around the dinner table at my parent’s house talking and sharing a meal, the conversation evolved into something far more interesting. Out of nowhere my friend asked the most incredible question that, until that very moment I had never heard my parents address, or even talk about. “What would you say are the keys to having a marriage that lasts as long as yours has?” she asked. BRILLIANT! How is it that after all these years I’ve never asked them that? At that very moment I watched the look of great satisfaction come upon their faces as their responses began to flow.
My father spoke first. “I’d have to say it’s all about commitment. That no matter what may come, good or bad, you never waiver in that commitment.” Then it was my mother’s turn, and she said, “I’d have to say it’s being willing to let go of those things that bother you and accept them for who they are.” I can only remember sitting there speechless as time stood still. Though I know other things were said, I was stuck in their initial responses. Profound!
If those two sentences were the meal, then at that point I had no capacity to consume another bite. I was satiated.
Little did I know, that one single moment and their two simple yet penetrating answers would play over and over again in my head for the next year. But not just in my head, in my day-in-day-out perspectives and actions towards my own evolving understanding towards relationship. Sadly, I had never fully realized the feast they were serving that day in any of my personal relationships. Though I thought I was doing the best I could, I fell way short of such understanding, acceptance and devotion. I realized that what made my parents who they are, and their obvious success in marriage, was something I had never fully taken hold of in the depths of my soul. I struggled with rejection and did what I thought was necessary and expected in order to be accepted. But I was just going through the motions, not acting out of a heart of pure devotion and commitment. But all that was all about to change.
As certain unexpected changes and challenges arose over the following months, something within me began to stir. I was experiencing something deep in my soul towards the woman I loved. A level of devotion that inspired a deep sense of selflessness and the willingness to sacrifice at all costs for the one I love. I realized that "I" was not the important one, but rather she was; and it rang like a signal bell in the quiet of my heart. Suddenly I understood that, just like God who willingly sacrificed His only Son out of a deep and abiding love for His bride (and me), I was willing to lay everything down for her. Though she never once verbally asked for it nor seemed to expect it, but I began to experience within myself a level of commitment I had never understood. The same love and commitment the Bible says Jesus had; the love I am to imitate as one created in His image and redeemed by that love. I’ve heard it taught many times but ateaching only communicates so much. To see it lived out in front of my eyes by my father in total commitment and devotion to my mother in her weakness and most vulnerable state (my mother has been struggling physically for years) exemplified the essence of Jesus, the Bridegroom. At that moment, it was birthed in me. Sacrifice without expectation; selflessness devoid of all desire for personal gain… love without reservation or condition. It’s what I give, not what I get.
My father is a very funny and unusual man. He has the most positive attitude of any person I have ever known. But to illustrate his love and devotion to his wife, I want to share a moment I was fortunate enough to experience that shines a light on his amazing yet very conscious commitment to her. First, my dad is 87 years old. He just had hip replacement surgery. My mother, who is almost 84, is not in the best of health and in many ways she is like a small child who needs constant care. My dad has taken care of her without fail for these last five years as she has steadily declined. These days she gets around with walkers and wheelchairs needing oxygen to get her through the day. I was there to take care of her as he was going through his surgery and rehab.
The day after his surgery my dad was doing a little bit better and looking forward to my mom coming to visit him. After we arrived and were sitting there talking, I heard my dad say to my mom, “Merle, where is my wedding ring?” My mom, sitting in her wheelchair looking very frail with oxygen tubes in her nose said, “I don’t know Ray, I think you left it at home because you couldn’t wear it during surgery.” My dad responded with, “I need it!” “Why?” she asked. “Because I don’t want any of the nurses around here hitting on me!” he said. I busted out laughing! At first I thought he was being silly. “Really dad?” But as I looked up at them both staring at each other I suddenly realized he was dead serious. The epiphany hit me of this man’s deep devotion and intense commitment to his wife. So much so that He didn’t want any other women to think he was available. And at 87 years old no less!
What passion! What incredible love! Such profound integrity and a deep sense of responsibility he has about himself when it comes to honoring and loving his wife.
Tragically we live in a time when if something isn’t exactly the way we want it to be, mindlessly we are willing to discard it. We think there’s always something better. We don’t want the inconvenience of the bad along with the good… only the good and nothing else. We don’t realize that our lives play a role in the evolution of another’s and sadly we miss out on what God intended us to know by walking together through all things. We say vows, but we don’t really understand their meaning or power, so consequently we don’t mean them. And unfortunately, all too often, we don’t realize what we has till it’s gone.
Thankfully God’s love and commitment to us is exactly like what my dad said: never wavering! Though we ebb and flow, and more often than not, run away from Him, and at a distance, His unfailing love towards us is steady and devoted. His commitment is not based in whether or not we love Him back. He waits patiently, never leaving us nor forsaking us. His eyes are staring intently at us… He is faithful, ALWAYS. Who loves like that?
Maybe the little nuggets inside this very personal story of mine strike a chord deep within your heart? Or maybe you’ve already figured it all out. If that’s the case, then teach it to others. There is a dearth of understanding when it comes to all this, especially in men. Is it any wonder the world is in the shape it is? And how about the church? Divorce is rampant amongst those who should know better and act differently. The church doesn’t need another seminar, it needs its leaders to lead or get out of the way.
If in reading this you find yourself confronted by your own lack of commitment and realize that you possess a flippant, self-serving attitude when it comes to others, seeing yourself as the priority no matter how you spin it, especially towards the one you claim you love and who loves you back, then think about my dad and his love for his bride for a moment. Imagine yourself like him and start right now to take back the ground you have willingly given up. You will save your marriage, restore your character and renew your desire for the One you have let slip from the center of your heart. Do it first with God. Return to your first love… then do it with the one you love. I promise you will see the power of God in your life and experience Him as never before. As long as you’re on this side of the grass there’s always a chance. It’s up to you to take it!
Commitment is the power of love!
* On December 17th, 2013 at 2:39 PM at 84 years and 15 days of age, my mom looked into the eyes of Jesus and saw her mom for the first time in 22 years. As difficult as it was for all of us to let her go, she is no longer in pain and the misery of merely existing. Pray for my dad if you think of it, he's actually doing really well and at peace knowing she is now at peace and with the lover of her soul. Thanks! SB
© 2013 Steven Bliss
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